Sophie Lewis, slam virgin, throws herself in at the deep end

This was one of the hot tickets of the whole festival, I was assured: last year's slam had been a hoot, but this year's was set to be even better…

I was actually a slam virgin, so I took careful note of the instructions provided. Hopeful slammers' names were to be picked out of a hat.

They would then perform one after the other, with no more than five minutes each to introduce their stories' characters and settings, bring in some action and finish with a stinging last line before the bell signalled the end of their turn – and all on the juicy theme of revenge.

Six judges chosen from among the audience would hold up scorecards and the top judge would make the final decision, based on length and strength of audience reaction.

In fact, this event was characterised by striking contrasts. Rather than going straight into our slam, we were treated to a sneak preview of Zadie Smith's new pair of stories, Martha and Hanwell (a Penguin 70).

She read from 'Hanwell in Hell', a story set in darkness – night-time and social decline – about local colour, drunken evenings and shameless skirt-chasing. It was strange to hear Zadie's deep, atmospheric but youthful voice telling the story of a world-weary man.

This was a particularly writerly reading, somehow: the barn's hush, Zadie's slightly halting voice – and the fact that she was obliged to break off somewhere in the middle for lack of time – made this an experience of frustratingly temporary enchantment. I’ll just have to buy the book.

And after the hush – the bombardment! Eighteen slammers were lined up according to the draw and we were plunged right in. The best I can do for people who weren’t there, I think, is to give you a selection of highlights.

An early story told of a secret visit to a massage parlour, in which the sturdy and oddly accented mother of the usual masseuse seems determined to handle our punter herself. It turns out that she hasn't forgotten an unfortunate encounter with the punter's dog.

Another slammer took the animal stakes higher with his story of a trapdoor spider reserved for an unfaithful partner. Further on, a snooty attitude towards jam-making versus horticulture led to revenge in the form of a lily salad.

Indeed it became a very foodie evening, encompassing a number of enraged waiters, poisoned soups and soufflés and a few particularly horrifying show-downs set in kitchens. Some great one-liners caught perfectly that combination of the macabre and the comic that flavours the best revenge plot: a female soufflé chef is dismissed with the immortal put-down "women and eggs – too hormonal by half"!

Tessa Sheridan's jilted protagonist reveals a wicked eye for the breakfast metaphor as she surveys the scene of her revenge, noting her former partner "defrosting" next to the fridge and his lover lying "sunny-side up" in the kitchen doorway.

Tessa was the deserving winner of this year's slam, but Sean Lusk, Julie Taylor, Lea Hurst and Polly Dunbar all made it into the top five (Sean was last year's winner). What the names don't tell you is their impressive range of ages, sexes, voices and styles.

From the practised slammer to the first-timer, everyone had a good story to tell, and while the old adage about revenge and sang-froid was trotted out perhaps once too often, in fact the whole show kept its audience fired up right to the end.

16 September 2005

Photograph © Tony Tree - Courtesy of the Charleston Trust

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